The Day I Died Before Dying and Laughed in the Void
What followed wasn’t a trip. It was annihilation. I dissolved into the Great Unnameable. No form. No fear. Just pure consciousness adrift in a void older than stars.
The year 2000, I cracked the seal on John C. Lilly’s dimensions. No training wheels, no guide. Just me, the dragon, and a vial of laced rose-water, a mystery smuggled from the alleys of India, whispering its promise of transformation.
I wasn’t chasing a high. I was chasing the source code.
The first two times I stood at the gates, I flinched. My soul teetered on the edge of non-being, frozen as the ego screamed in terror. Picture an old television. Snap. Black screen. No static. Just gone. That flicker was the invitation to obliterate the self, and I wasn’t ready to RSVP.
But the third time? The third time I leapt.
What followed wasn’t a trip. It was annihilation. I dissolved into the Great Unnameable. No form. No fear. Just pure consciousness adrift in a void older than stars. A wisp of awareness surfing the frequencies of the infinite. And there, in that velvet abyss, a library of truth opened its gates. Not of books, but of being. Knowledge came like lightning, flooding through me in symbols, sounds, telepathic pulses. Not learned. Remembered.
So I asked the Big One: “What is the essence? Life? The Universe? All of this?”
And the answer didn’t come in words. It detonated. Light split into colors never seen, laughter burst from the throat of creation, love surrounded me like a supernova of understanding. I became the knowing. I was the revelation.
But then... the ego stirred. Like a child waking from a dream, whispering, “You have to go back. Share this.”
The return was brutal. My soul pulled itself down the thread of incarnation, through nausea and sobs, through the dense re-entry of embodiment. The higher wisdom slipped through my fingers like stardust, but one truth stayed welded to my core:
Life is the miracle. Death is the illusion. And love, raw, intelligent, cosmic love, is the fabric underneath it all.
That was my rebirth. My true arrival into this world. Not the world of clocks and constructs, but the one humming underneath. The real one. Where everything breathes paradox.
Where death is a door, and fear is just the echo of the ego clinging to the known.
I came back with fire in my blood and silence in my bones. I know who I am now.
